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Ever have those days? 

Well, that's me right now. 

I've started about five drafts of the next "surprise blog," but I just can't get it finished. Not because it's hard, but because I just don't want to. For some reason, writing lately feels a whole lot more like a chore than an escape and I'm just not up for it. I feel like there are 8,000,888 things that I need to do, but don't have the slightest idea of where to start, and not even blogging (one of the easier of the 8,000,888 things) sounds fun right now. I know I'm sounding all "woe is me" which I'm well aware is never very attractive, but I just need to sort through some things. 

The past few weeks have been something else. I don't even know how to explain it, and I'm still processing. But it feels a lot like I've been standing in front of a fire hose getting blasted in the face for about two weeks straight. My skin is raw, I'm sore and beat up, and most of all I am exhausted from holding my ground, trying to stand firm and let God use this time to blast away all of me that isn't good and replace it with something useful that will bring glory to Him. Somewhere inside of me I know that Jesus has access to the on/off knob and is allowing it to stay on because it is best for me, and while that is comforting, it doesn't make it any easier or less painful. But, as we all know, life's not all about ease. So right now I'm clinging to the truth that He is faithful. That he will complete the work He has started in me.  That He understands. That He is bigger than everything else around me. That He is just, merciful and loving. And that He has a purpose, and wants me to be a part of it.

That last part is what I really don't understand. Right now I just can't see it. How or why He would want to use me for anything representing Him. Because quite honestly, I'm not a very good representation of a perfect, selfless, holy love. I don't even come close. But I suppose that is precisely why God sticks with me, with all of us. How much more beautiful is it when someone who is sinful, broken and totally unworthy is changed by the power of God to display a love that is not of this world? 

That is my prayer today and everyday. That God would rid me of myself and overflow me with His love, His joy, His peace, His patience, His kindness, His goodness, His faithfulness, His gentleness and His self-control.

Please don't read this to say that I am not thankful or blessed to be where I am, because that is so far from the truth. God has blessed me with far more than I deserve, and right now I'm just in a definite season of learning; especially learning to trust and rest, even when I don't understand. Learning to be humble. To listen. To give grace. To persevere. And to fight. 

Ephesians 6:12-13 For we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age...Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand [the fire hose], and having done all, to stand. 

Surprise Part One (of many parts)

As Michael and I drove home from babysitting two Thursdays ago, we talked about how much we love Fall weather. This topic of course lead to imagining what Indiana must be like: invigorating crisp air, 70 and sunny, turning leaves of every color, Wabash football, and the covered bridge festival. Sounds a lot like the definition of perfection, no? As our dialogue progressed, we arrived at the conclusion that it would be the absolute perfect week to go home. It started off as a kind of joke, wishful thinking, but quickly progressed to "what if?" and then "could we really?" followed by "oh, lets just do it!" Very responsible, I know (note the sarcasm). But we did take some precautionary actions in between the above thoughts. Like checking Michael's syllabus for the next week, emailing professors, making sure Amberlie could cover us, and calling our moms to make it official. In the next few hours I frantically tackled the laundry, packed our bags, printed directions, calculated gas costs, and hit the pillow. The next morning, we left. And documented everything along the way. Literally, everything. We took a picture at least every hour of where we were and whatever was around us. So without further ado here they are. 

Departure: 9:53 am CO time.

1086.68 miles to Cville.

10:00 am first stop, Jamba Juice.

If you've never had the Razzmatazz, GO GET ONE NOW.

It will change your life forever.

11:00 am flat nothingness in northeastern CO. Smelled like poop.

12:00 lunch time. 

The secret to driving 17 hours straight through. But don't worry, 

I pulled my weight too. 13 hours out of 32 ladies and gentlemen, be impressed. 

1:00 pm frosty for Michael before we switched drivers.

2:00 pm proof that I really did drive!

3:00 pm Nebraska.

4:00 pm still Nebraska.

5:00 pm Again, Nebraska. But I'm not complaining, 

if it were Kansas you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the last three pictures.

6:00 pm sunset in Iowa.

7:00 pm Missouri

9:00 pm my iced caramel, yes please.

(no 8:00 picture...that's what happens when the other

person is sleeping and there's no one to use the camera.

I won't mention who that person was...)

 12:00 am Michael's idea, obviously.

 2:00 am Arby's chicken goodness.

 3:10 am downtown Cville, a sight for sore eyes.

Arrival: 3:15 am 

This is what our Mapquest looked like after 17 hours.

A work of art if I do say so myself,

although the top right corner leaves a lot to be desired.

No comment necessary.

Approximately five minutes after this picture was taken, 

we passed out on the living room couch and waited for my sister to

stumble upon us the next morning. Speaking of passing out...it's about that time friends.

But I'll be back tomorrow for the exciting-ness that is part two!

* or ten days later, you never know...

...

Ok, so I hyped up this really exciting post like it was going to happen asap. And it wasn't. And still isn't. Woops... But, here's a sneak peak of one of the best week EVER! And I promise that soon, very soon, I will finish the long awaited post(s), and you will not be disappointed!

The Great Outdoors

So Michael and I decided last minute that we would take a quick trip to the mountains before it got too cold for camping. It was our first camping experience together, and other than my constant fear of being attacked by bears, moose, mountain lions, wolfs and squirrels, it was an awesome trip! Mid afternoon on Tuesday, we packed up the Jeep and made it to our campsite on the backside of Pike's Peak, tucked in a forest of Pine trees near a small stream. The whole way there I worried, nagged, begged Michael to stop for wood just in case we couldn't find any that was dry enough for a fire, but in true mountain man spirit, he insisted that he would find all the wood we needed.

He was right, but we had to climb halfway up the mountain to find it, and all the while I was certain that a mountain lion was stalking me and that I would faint from the altitude all because my husband refused to stop for firewood. I was loads of fun to be around, obviously. Actually, I just sat down with my bundle of twigs while Michael ran around like Paul Bunyan, ripping full-grown trees out of the ground and snapping them over his knees. If I weren't in the middle of being pouty, I would have made-out with him on the spot for being so studly. Before I knew it, he had a fire going and we were roastin' weenies and cookin' soup for dinner! It was really a wonderful night; the weather was crisp and invigorating and the smell of pine trees was ah-mazing. I repeatedly imagined what I would do if a bear waltzed onto our campsite: throw rocks, scream, cry hysterically and run backwards (you never turn your back on a bear, duh) leap over the stream and weave in and out of the trees in the dark without error before jumping into the Jeep and peeling out...all backwards, mind you.

I did forget all my fears of death by wild animals momentarily while we took hundreds of pictures and played around with long exposures and flashlights, never-ending fun I tell you (pictures to come). After our photo shoot, we were both ready for bed-mostly due to an unruly amount of smoke inhalation and smoke exposure to our eyes. Seriously, I'm blind now. Anyways, we took the cooler 100 yards away from camp to tie it up so that the bears would stay away. BUT, it turns out that Paul Bunyan only specializes in chopping down trees, and not in cooler-hanging-bear-prevention. So, long story short, we put the cooler in the front seat of the Jeep. This wouldn't be such a big deal except for the fact that we were sleeping in the Jeep.

Sidenote: Bears can smell an opened bag of potato chips from miles away. Before hibernation, they need to consume 20,000 calories a day. There are an estimated 10,000 bears in Colorado.

Are we understanding now why I would be a little uneasy about sleeping in the same place as the food?! So after hours of laying wide-eyed and stiff, I finally drifted into nightmareville only to be woken shortly after by strange grunting noises and our car rocking gently back and forth. We both sit straight up and know immediately what is happening as we see the silhouette of the bear's upper body through the foggy passenger seat window. I nearly have a heart attack as Michael scrambles for the keys and fumbles into the drivers seat. I manage to shriek a quick, "I told you!" before breaking into a fit of hysterical nervous laughter. I know, not normal. Michael starts the car and the bear jumps back, startled as we peel out of there like Bonnie and Clyde, the bear chasing close behind down the winding dirt road in the dead of night. Before long we lose the bear and continue speeding down the mountain in stunned silence before the Jeep looses control and we drive off the edge of a cliff and tumble into blackness.

I kid, Internet, I kid. We didn't see a single bear, moose, mountain lion, or wolf the entire trip. But seriously, we were THAT close to being bear bait. I count myself lucky to be alive, truly.

So the next morning, I'm feeling much better because the sun is up and I can see for myself that the sound of a twig breaking is not, in fact, a mountain lion sneaking up on me. Michael got the fire going again and we dined on donuts and granola bars before setting off to blaze the trails. The hike was probably my favorite part of our whole adventure; it felt wonderful to be surrounded by nothing but the crisp breeze, towering trees, holes of sun light peeking through, and the sound of the little stream that followed us through the mountain. We climbed for hours and talked about life as we stopped every now and then for water and snacks, but as we neared the end of the tree line, we decided to head back to camp as an ominous gray cloud quickly approached. Michael noted that "all the trees up hear are probably dead for a reason..." that was really comforting for me, as I'm sure you can imagine. So, we set out down the path in fifth gear as the light shower turned into down pour which turned into hail. Yes, HAIL! But really, we were totally fine and equipped thankfully with rain jackets. It was only small hail and we quite enjoyed the way the sun shone through the trees and lit up the rain. I wanted to take a picture but didn't for fear of damaging my precious baby (that would be my camera in case that was unclear). Before long, the rain subsided and we made it back to camp without getting struck by lightning. We had worked up an appetite and quickly whipped up another round of hot dogs, soup and s'mores before we packed up camp and headed home.

It was such a simple and refreshing trip. A chance to get away for a day and remember who we are, who God is. I know I've been a tad dramatic and have perhaps portrayed our trip to be more of a disaster than a retreat, but it's my blog and I quite like rationalizing my fears of bears and lightning in the form of exaggeration and drama. But honestly, it was the PERFECT little get away, and I can't wait to do it again!

Sleeping quarters.

Soup.

Check out that fire.

Could we be any cooler? No, I really doubt it.

Our little hole in the ceiling of the forest.

I found these trees fascinating.

The Paul Bunyan in his natural habitat.

Food in mouth smile. Shortly before the ominous gray cloud appeared.

I'll end with this picture of my angel :)

That's all for now friends, but I'll be back soon for a VERY exciting post in a few days. Stay tuned!

Satisfying Work

I'm sitting on the floor upstairs-eating cheerios, listening to Bella's Lullaby, the rattle of the fan, and the sound of Caleb cooing as he naps-and I am content. This morning, my devotional was about satisfying work, and how more than 80% of people are dissatisfied with their careers. As I watch this precious baby swing back and forth in his rocker, I realize again how blessed I am to spend my days doing something so satisfying to me. I don't make a lot of money, and I sometimes work long sleepy hours, but in turn I am helping my cousins, and have the opportunity to watch this little boy grow up a little more every week. I am truly so thankful for the days I spend here, and I'm quite certain that I would not be motivated to wake up at five or six every morning to drive across town and start my day unless I were doing something that I cared about. And I do care, very much, about the sleeping baby next to me and his parents who work so hard to give him all that they know how.

So the truth is, it's really not hard for me to be motivated to work; it doesn't even feel like work most of the time. And as you well know, if we don't find meaning in our jobs, we find motivation difficult. God means for His people to be productive and to enjoy the fruits of their labor. He wants us to be content in what we do, whether it's at home with children, in an office with coworkers, or elsewhere. But for some of us, most of us even, it's not that easy. Ephesians tells us to work "as if you were serving the Lord, not men." If we who love Jesus have it firmly fixed in our minds that our labor somehow honors Him, then we will be motivated and find contentment wherever our circumstances place us.

That is my prayer for you today: that you would find contentment wherever you are, and to honor the Lord in your labor.

I know, I'm lucky.

Day Two

Oh, Internet, I have failed you all once again...two days in a row! I must admit, I made an impulsive decision to solemnly swear about writing everyday. I mean really, who was I kidding? Although, this time I do feel like I had a legitimate excuse. Well, for yesterday at least. See, I nannied for my favorite baby in the whole wide world all day. No joke, like 13 hours. And in case you haven't heard, babies are not very accommodating when it comes to your plans for the day, and so blogging just wasn't an option yesterday.

And today, well here I am. But I'm not blogging about my devo. I've decided that it's too rigid and boring to write about the same thing every single day. Where's the room for spontaneity? Because, please, we all no how spontaneous this girl is...Oh, you don't know? Well, that was a big fat lie. I am NOT spontaneous. I plan everything. EVERYTHING. But I am working on my spontaneousness (that's not a word, but this situation totally called for a different tense, obviously) and as a first step, I am not going to lay out my outfit for tomorrow, OR pack my book bag. Watch out world, Lexi Russell is going crazy!

But not too crazy, I'm hittin' the hay ahora, folks. It's 8:31 pm and if I'm not laying out my clothes tonight, I'll have to get up a smidge earlier tomorrow to adjust. Adios amigos!

Day One

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.'"  

Matthew 16:24

Jesus' words were unmistakable to his disciples. They knew what crosses were, not charms worn on necklaces or designs in tattoo parlors. The cross was an instrument of execution, one of the most violent and horrible ever invented by evil men. Jesus was telling his disciples what it would require if they were to follow Him, and He certainly didn't candy coat it. He made it clear that the cost would be high, for some of them it would cost their lives, for others it would not. But for all who choose to follow Christ there is a choice to make: death to self and devotion to Him.

What does dying to self look like? It means to deny all things carnal, sinful, unrighteous, and selfish and instead choose to follow Jesus in love, purity, faithfulness, joy and holiness.

But God doesn't take it for granted that we will follow Him. Jesus gives us a choice. He doesn't try to get us to pack our bags for a guilt trip. He doesn't make us do anything, He simply offers the path with all its hardships and joys.

Jesus' words come down to three basic principles:

1. deny yourself.
2. take up your cross.
3. follow Me.

Death to self is different for everyone, because we all struggle in different areas. Think of your selfishness as a hungry wolf that consumes anything and everything it can find. To deny it means: don't feed it! Identify the source of food for your selfishness, and run away from those things!

Denying yourself means saying "No!" to selfishness. The next part of Jesus' statement is saying "Yes!" to Him: "Take up your cross." Why did Jesus go to the cross? Because He wanted too? He pleaded with the Father, prayed in agony, sweating blood about dying such a horrible death. But His commitment to obey the Father was greater than his desire for comfort and approval. So He went to the cross.

That's what it means for you and me too: to obey God no matter what He asks us, and no matter how much we don't want to do it, finding our ultimate reward in knowing our God is honored in our obedience. It is a hard gospel, but He isn't asking us to do anything He hasn't already done to a far greater degree than we will ever do.

The final, and best, part of the trio is our invitation to follow Him. As God strengthens us, we make those daily decision to say "No" to selfishness and "Yes" to God, we walk side by side with Jesus Christ. When we read the Scriptures, we hear His voice. As we walk through our day, we sense His presence. We reap love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. My friends, this is the abundant life.

[Just in case you didn't read the former post, I'm recapping what I learn each day from A Call to Die, by David Nasser. So obviously, these are not my original ideas, and much of what I've said are direct quotes from the book. I know I should properly quote it and all that jazz, but this is a blog not a book for publishing. Plus, I just really hate all that works cited rif-raf. Just know, all the credit goes to David, but really these aren't new ideas, they're straight out of Scripture, so...]