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Ever have those days? 

Well, that's me right now. 

I've started about five drafts of the next "surprise blog," but I just can't get it finished. Not because it's hard, but because I just don't want to. For some reason, writing lately feels a whole lot more like a chore than an escape and I'm just not up for it. I feel like there are 8,000,888 things that I need to do, but don't have the slightest idea of where to start, and not even blogging (one of the easier of the 8,000,888 things) sounds fun right now. I know I'm sounding all "woe is me" which I'm well aware is never very attractive, but I just need to sort through some things. 

The past few weeks have been something else. I don't even know how to explain it, and I'm still processing. But it feels a lot like I've been standing in front of a fire hose getting blasted in the face for about two weeks straight. My skin is raw, I'm sore and beat up, and most of all I am exhausted from holding my ground, trying to stand firm and let God use this time to blast away all of me that isn't good and replace it with something useful that will bring glory to Him. Somewhere inside of me I know that Jesus has access to the on/off knob and is allowing it to stay on because it is best for me, and while that is comforting, it doesn't make it any easier or less painful. But, as we all know, life's not all about ease. So right now I'm clinging to the truth that He is faithful. That he will complete the work He has started in me.  That He understands. That He is bigger than everything else around me. That He is just, merciful and loving. And that He has a purpose, and wants me to be a part of it.

That last part is what I really don't understand. Right now I just can't see it. How or why He would want to use me for anything representing Him. Because quite honestly, I'm not a very good representation of a perfect, selfless, holy love. I don't even come close. But I suppose that is precisely why God sticks with me, with all of us. How much more beautiful is it when someone who is sinful, broken and totally unworthy is changed by the power of God to display a love that is not of this world? 

That is my prayer today and everyday. That God would rid me of myself and overflow me with His love, His joy, His peace, His patience, His kindness, His goodness, His faithfulness, His gentleness and His self-control.

Please don't read this to say that I am not thankful or blessed to be where I am, because that is so far from the truth. God has blessed me with far more than I deserve, and right now I'm just in a definite season of learning; especially learning to trust and rest, even when I don't understand. Learning to be humble. To listen. To give grace. To persevere. And to fight. 

Ephesians 6:12-13 For we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age...Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand [the fire hose], and having done all, to stand.